Dating: DON’T DO IT

I thought this would get boring once I found a man.  I have discovered that as long as men are men, and I am dating them, there will be no shortage of bullshit to go around.

Even though most of my life is currently consumed by this floundering around in the bottom of the barrel sort of confusion where I don’t know which end is up or how I got there or where I’m going, I DO have a few things under control.

- LT is my boyfriend now, and he is hot, and mine. And hot.

- I will STAB YOU if you work at that pancake place in OC that never took our order.

- I’m super cranky about my man living far away.

- There is a vast genre of woman-type things that LT has never been exposed to, and his reactions to them are HILARIOUS.  As far as he is concerned I have two stages of appearance that he thinks of as “pretty” and “prettier” being my Just Awakened Looking Like Hell Stage, and my Thank God For My Makeup And Blowdryer Stage.  Naturally he finds makeup a curious substance, and while we were at Sephora unsuccessfully looking for my favorite mascara he asked me in complete seriousness “Do they have your flavor?” … of mascara!?

I thought this was so ridiculously hysterical and adorable I wanted to squeeze him until his head popped off.  He was legitimately vexed that I couldn’t find my mascara, and he still refers to things as flavors because it makes me laugh so much.

Later while bra shopping (I’m just now realizing I made him go makeup AND bra shopping) he was helping me hunt for a bra when he ran across a hideous one in the right size but…the wrong everything else.  I told him that some women with big racks like to make the ladies look a bit smaller by wearing minimizer bras.  As I explained his eyes widened in horror, and then he said  “You mean it’s SUPPOSED to make your boobs look SMALLER!?”

It was shortly after this that he dubbed my left boob “King Tit” and began referring to it thusly.  The right one doesn’t have a name.  I don’t know why.

This man is out of his mind.  I LOVE IT.

Hey, I’m not dead!  How about that!?

So I moved.  It didn’t kill me.  I have a sweet new pad.  Probably the best place I’ve lived so far.  I have been told that a man in uniform lives next to us…and SPEAKING of men in uniform - I’m picking LT up from the airport this evening after work, yesssss. He came back from Iraq last week.  He’s been really weird since he got home which has me kind of worried.  Work and such has been sucking for him since he got home so hopefully that’s all it is.  Or maybe god said “Hey you’ve been happy for what, like…TWO MONTHS NOW!? Crap, how did I let THAT happen!?” and decided to make LT turn out crazy like the rest of them.  Oh goody.

So I’ve had some other fun stuff going on that I’ll have to catch you up on.  The damn Square Peg started text messaging me.  You’d think he’d get it wouldn’t you?  I’m dating someone awesome and you SUCK and I stopped answering your facebook messages… get a clue, seriously?  LT totally wants to kick his ass which amuses me.

Also, Officer Ew sent me a message on facebook again.  When he asked me out I said I was busy and that life would mostly be back to normal by mid August, so August 14th hits and the bastard is raring to go with his message “How’d the move go?” You could say he’s only politely curious, or icky.  Seriously this guy is icky.  He is also one of the main reasons LTs bff got kicked out of our high school back in the day = LT wants to kick his ass too.

OH, AND ok Ozzy’s birthday is Sunday and he’s having a cook out.  He told me about it on Wednesday, and I said “Can I bring the boy?” to which he did not respond.  I assumed the answer was yes until he was like um can you not bring him cause I don’t want it to be a lot of people.  I said “I can’t come.”  “Why?”  Oh I don’t know, MAYBE CAUSE I DON’T WANT TO STORE MY MAN IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR WHILE I GO TO YOUR PARTY???  Sheeit.  Then Ozzy decided LT could come…after we’d already made plans with other people of course.  Great, good work Ozzy.  Now I’m in a real pickle and LT doesn’t want to go to your smelly party anyway.

HAH