Sep
I feel a certain sense of responsibility for everything that happens to me. Even when someone else does something terrible to me, I know that I made the decision to have that person in my life. I’m not saying that any of this is my fault, but it explains the shame and humiliation that comes along with being hurt by someone you care about and who cares about you.
It’s hard to write this stuff. There’s a great amount of fear and freedom that comes from baring all of the guts and ugliness of my life. When I’m lying in a heap on the bathroom floor crying streaks of mascara across the white parts of my zebra print rug - it’s kind of embarrassing - I don’t even want my roommates to hear me. I don’t know why I turn it around and write about it. I’m not sure why people would want to hear about either really. I guess it’s nice to know that we all have those moments when our heart hurts so much words can’t begin to describe how.
That’s why I’m upset that LT isn’t here so we can deal with this mess together. Even my best gut wrenching email can’t express all of my hurt like being here would. This situation isn’t something that just I have to get over either, he’s a mess too. It’s something we both have to get over. I wish he was here to ride this roller coaster of emotions that my brain and my heart drag me through over and over again every day. He is supposed to be here to hug me when I’m sad, and then grit his teeth when I get angry again, stomp on his instep, spit in his eye and run off howling like a wounded animal to curl up in a ball in the bottom of my shower and cry. I’ve found the warm water and dull white noise of the water falling helps to drown out the reality of anything you can’t bare to think about. But who’s going to turn the water off when it’s running cold make me get out because I’m freezing and warm me up again until I’m angry? I will.
At the end of the day I’ve decided to keep LT around. Against all odds and most reasoning he did the right thing. He told me the truth even though his lie would likely never have been caught, his friends told him not to, and then his greatest fear - losing me forever. Even I didn’t quite understand why he would tell me the truth now when I already believed the lies. He said that he couldn’t live with lying to me anymore, and he knew that if he really wanted our relationship to have a chance in the future he had to come clean. Not being able to eat or sleep because he was consumed with thinking about how much of an asshole he had been probably lit a fire under him too. As it should.