Dating: DON’T DO IT

Chris Brown has turned out to be quite a disappointment. He seems like a very cool guy. I really appreciate this because I often have conversations (online or in person) with men that make it seem like I’m talking to a doorknob; Captain Khaki Pants, for example. Chris Brown is a colorful character though, so he’s pretty much the opposite, and we’ve been text messaging frequently. What then, has made him a disappointment? Let me tell you.

#1 - When I asked him how old he is, he wouldn’t tell me.
WHOA. This is a sign of 2 things. First, it means he knows he’s too young. This was painfully apparent when he said “It doesn’t matter, I can still get into all the places you can!” Honey I don’t care if you can get into a bar. I mean, yes I do - but that’s not the only important thing going on here! Second, it means he can tell I’m older than he is by enough to matter, and that ain’t cool either. After I asked him 3 times he said he was 21, but I’m going to go ahead and not believe that.

#2 - He is a mattress salesmen.
Look, people need jobs, and people need mattresses. I understand both of these things, and I’m glad that the world has mattress salesmen. Although, I do tend to buy my mattresses at warehouses where I can hop on them and not be bothered. Anyway, I’m just not interested in dating one. Chris Brown also told me that hes taking a semester off from ITT Tech. Taking a semester off is all well and good, but to me it’s also a potential sign of either faulty commitment, or planning. It’s also a sign that he’s a full time mattress salesmen.

#3 - He sends creepy text messages.
I was in bed reading a book before I went to sleep when I got a text message. After he didn’t respond to a message of mine for 12 hours I thought this was odd, especially when the message said “sleep tight :)” I was mildly alarmed and made sure that my blinds were closed. The following day I joked he must have been spying on me, and he responded with this fantastic creepy mess:

“Id never sneak around you..not my style id rather u feel me there so u know everythings secure :)”

Yeah THAT makes me feel really secure. Good lord.

#4 - Location, location, location
I’m 100% sure that he lives an hour away. I’m 75% sure that he lives with his parents. No. Thank. You.

A weekend at a bar is to dating, what game reserves are to hunting. Here is a summary:

• Friday night I went out very early and did not sleep until very late. This was fun for two reasons:

1. I was having a good hair day
2. I met a boy who looks/dances like Chris Brown.
(naturally we shall dub him Chris Brown)

Chris Brown and I danced few times throughout the night, but it wasn’t until later in the evening when he approached me to dance that I narrowed my eyes and talked to him. My line was “You’re back again, huh?” To this he replied “You’re the only girl here who can even remotely dance!” I decided to take this as a compliment because the man had MOVES. Although, he he did kind of imply that my own moves were lacking. I don’t know how long we danced, but I danced my ass off. I might have looked like an idiot, but girl I do not care because in 4″ heels any dancing is impressive.

I have said the word dance so many times that it has lost all meaning.

After all this dancing I needed sustenance, namely: pizza, so Chris Brown and I, and all my friends left the bar. Upon exiting Chris Brown became amazed that I am “how I am” which I think was a compliment? He took a step back on the sidewalk, looked at me quizzically, and said “Wow, you are nothing like I expected.” I believe this means that I looked like I had the potential to be a snooty crazy bitch, but that night I had locked my crazy bitch in the closet, so I was rather charming instead. The pizza place line was way out of control so we did not partake in pizza time. I also thought it best to stay as far away from vomiting college freshmen as possible, so we decided to walk home.

“Home” as it was on Friday, was my friends home, not mine. It was about a mile away, and I have no idea how I wore the shoes I did, danced, walked a mile, AND still had feet. Upon arriving, the living room was turned into what I like to think of as “Makeout Central” It was a fun time, especially when the fire alarm went off. The situation was really quite cute and reminiscent of high school, only I no longer drive a station wagon.

I must have grown on Chris Brown considerably because before he left, he came back 3 times to kiss me goodbye. He said he would call me at noon the next day. I said “HAH!” and went to sleep. He actually did call, but I don’t really think I’m interested. Isn’t that something? One actually calls and I’m not even interested!

• I was also contacted by Basketball this weekend. He told me that he could not stop thinking about my butt, and I didn’t respond because someone ripped the chapter on awkward text messages out of my Dating Guidebook. He wanted to come over last night too, but I am a working woman, so I had no time for such things. The team had also just arrived home from losing a big game in a bad way and I’ve had quite enough of large angry men since The Entertainer.