Dating: DON’T DO IT

Remember back when I was acting a fool over a tall scrawny dork who wore elastic dress shoes???

Thank god that’s over, eh?  The Green Giant doesn’t lend himself well to being the most memorable sort of character.  To be honest with you, I did look for his car in the parking lot for a month or two after I called it quits, but I had completely forgotten about him until I got wind of some curious news.

It’s not NEWS news, like if say…if I knew it for a fact or something, but it’s interesting.

Wayyy back before time was invented and I was still pining after the Green Giant, he complained about how the business program that our companies are in sucks.   He told me they were quitting the program and moving their office a few miles away in November due to it’s suckage.  This was back in April so I was like ehhhh I’ve got MONTHS between now and then to seal the deal…then LT came barging in and shit.  You know how that turned out.

Anyway.

So I used to run into GG all the time.  All the time, all the time.  Like running up and down the stairs for snacks, running out to get lunch, on the way in to work, on the way out of work, etc.  Then sometime shortly after LT’s proposal fiasco mess of a thing that happened, the Green Giant vanished.  His car was still in the parking lot, but I NEVER saw him.  Not even one time from then until now. Super sketchy?

There was this one morning I kinda saw him on the way to work.  We both happened to get off the highway at the same time, so we were waiting at the light to turn into work, and I was right behind him.  I followed him all the way to the parking lot.  He parked waaay back in the corner, jumped out of his car, and was halfway to the building before I even got out of my car… WEIRDOOO

I’ve seen some of his employees around the building since I stopped running into him and have been mildly friendly.  A week or so I noticed one of his employees had a “packing the office” away message up.  I guess they are gone now.  A “Hey guys, we’re leaving.” message would have been nice, but either way we finally have enough space in our parking lot again.

My days have slowly grown long an unexciting. The big move looms ominously from a week away, while I just sit here in it’s shadow and study every carefully planned action scheduled on my calendar from now until the middle of August. I hope that I can somehow save up all of my energy from these sleepy weekends into some sort of primitive human battery for 3 days in which I will move, unpack, pack, and leave for a 5 day business trip. I’m fairly certain that won’t work, and I will be fueled strictly by adrenaline, excitement, and my inability to sleep in the midst of disorganization.

In comparison to the usual rowdiness of my [love] life, things are alarmingly quiet. The Green Giant awkwardly complimented my glasses (me + glasses = I’ve grown lazy). LT is alive and well in his sweltering sandy hell where he works daily on perfecting his tan and his abs in the absence of anything better to do. Officer Ew, a super-dork and old friend from high school asked me on a date. He is a DC metro police officer. He has succeeded at what I once thought was the impossible task of making a police uniform look gross. I intend to be nice and use this situation to my advantage because I am a wily woman and making friends with a cop is never a bad idea.

LT will arrive for a visit shortly after I return home from my business trip mid august, and I will begin my new life in my new home. I predict that I will get very little sleep and it will be awesome.

Now, I think it’s time for a nap :)

Ugghhhh. Can life give you a hangover? I mean, LT and I split a bottle of Patron on Thursday night, but that was Thursday night and I feel like hell now. My heart feels like it’s forcibly being removed with salad tongs. How do I treat this? Chocolate? Another tall fine man? Is there anything?

I don’t know if trying to put the last week into words is even a possibility. IT ROCKED. Now all I know is that when my friends ask me about LT and I start talking, the expressions on their faces scare me. It half looks like they might be happy for me, but the other half says “I can’t watch you do this to yourself.” and I know what they mean. I’ve got a strong leathery heart from all the dating, but it’s not invincible. The easy way out is to stop talking to LT and pick up where I left off with the rest of my life. This morning I pulled into the parking lot at work just in time to see the Green Giant getting out of his car. GG walked toward me and stopped, smiled, and said hello. I didn’t move. I could have walked inside with him, but I didn’t.

LT is great. His parents invited me out to dinner and to a “sleepover” at their house on Friday night because they actually wanted to see him for an hour or two before he left on Saturday. He was super excited about sleepover night (cute) and went and bought a movie for us to watch (cute). It turned out to be a Star Trek movie. You’re thinking “ewww he’s a dorrkkk!,” but he actually bought it for ME because he knew I’m a big damn fan of the Star Trek. If you can watch your girl squeal because Commander Riker is a hottie, and clap when the Borg cube gets blown up, you must like her an awful lot. And he does.

Problem: His life plan involves being in the Army and traveling all over the world and doing awesome things. This is cool, and he is really passionate about it, except I will not spend my life waiting for someone to come home, and I won’t give up my career to move all over kingdom come. He’s willing to give it all up in 2 years to have a “normal life” and be with me, but I can’t ask him to do that, or guarantee it would even work. If he gives up what he’s passionate about, he wants me to be to be the breadwinner while he is a garbage man or something which I won’t do either. That’s all still 2 years from now anyway.

This all computes to IT’S NEVER GONNA WORK RAMONA but I DON’T LIKE THAT ANSWER.

Oh, and last night just before he got offline to go to bed he said “I love you” and signed off. He loves me!? Ahhhh!

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT

It has been brought to my attention that I appear to have been been totally disarmed…and gone SOFT.

Ladies and gentlemen - I am still a BADASS.

Now time for business:

First - Let’s be up front about the Green Giant situation. He still has many eligible qualities, however with my head now surveying life from a realistic point of view (NOT up my ass) his daily wear of a mock turtleneck pullover fleece and odd, brown, some how slip on, dress shoes (ELASTIC dress shoes, do those exist???) has made him um…not so sexy. Also, grow some balls you idiot. You work in an office with 12 males, one of whom actually told me that you would all fight over me if I needed to be comforted during a scary storm - I AM A CATCH OK, A CATCH.

Moving along.

Second - LT says the right thing at the right time and it’s…AWESOME. Also scary. Get out of my head ok? This was supposed to be a fun fling at which during the conclusion, I would have destroyed him and written a really great post about it. Now he’s all “I just don’t want to give my mom any more heartache than she needs. Girls are different…cause a girl is supposed to be your partner. You share [scary Iraq things] with her, so you guys deal with it together.”

DING DING DING! Use of the word partner = automatic win. Please advance to the next round.

This whole situation has developed online so far, which honestly makes me feel like a big creep/dork/can’t you find a ‘real’ man Ramona? Other than feeling like a dork I don’t have much of a problem with it. There are frequently a lot of puns being thrown around and I LOVE a good pun, and a good man who can make and recognize a pun. So good. Our other activities include him referring to himself as “the sexy,” talking until 6 or 7am while drunk on weekends (after returning home from any variety of local dive bars), and me watching him juggle via webcam (aka not watching him juggle, and trying to figure out what he would look like naked).

OH - almost forgot. If you were kind of prude-ish in high school and you really want to freak someone out, mention your drawer of sex toys.

Alright. I think I’ve fully recovered from all the cooing and awing over LT’s romantic plea.

First, let’s get a few things straight; I only destroyed 2 males in high school (neither could be considered “men”), and I try hard to be very careful with other peoples feelings unless I’ve really got no other choice.

As of Thursday evening I had gotten 11 hours of sleep. Yes, 11. Why? LT. Also because I’m an idiot and we can both chatter mindlessly for hours like squirrels. As you can imagine I started to show signs of my severe lack of beauty sleep. I didn’t think it was too noticeable…until I ran into Green Giant.

I’d been totally minding my own business and hadn’t seen or spoken to GG in two weeks, but as soon as I opened the stairwell door to leave work on Wednesday I heard him talking on the phone. I paused and considered taking the elevator, but I’m no sissy so I forged ahead. As I came down the steps he mouthed something to me. I said “huh?” so he covered the phone and said “You look really tired.” in a sort of concerned voice. Without so much as slowing down I responded with “Yeah. I am really tired.” Once outside I LOL’ed because he SUCKS and somehow he’s acting concerned yet also pointing out that I LOOK LIKE HELL. Thanks.

In contrast, LT is ridiculously nice. I would say sweet, but he reads this and I don’t want him to get too comfortable and start slacking off :)

Anywho, I was supposed to go to the beach this weekend, but the plans fell through and I was sad. I pouted, and LT said “Do you want to go to the beach when I come visit [next week]?” I did a happy dance and said yes. He even said he would “drive the bus.” Then he sent me to bed cause I was so sleepy. The next day he asked what I wanted to drink at the beach. Then, he asked if I wanted snacks, like “apples and peanut butter?” I said I like pretzels. “Ok, what flavor?”

WHAT!?

Um…ok. All I know is that boys don’t make me snacks, plan trips, or care what my general needs are. They usually forget dates, stare at my boobs, act like blithering oblivious idiots, and I’m used to it. This is sad and I know it. It is also sad that regular niceness totally weirds me out, but I’m working on it, cause it’s actually what I would like.

I don’t even like apples with peanut butter, but godamnit I’m going to eat them anyway.