Dating: DON’T DO IT

When you run into someone you used to date… Well first of all, you have to look good, and since you never know when you might run into someone you used to date (or want to date) you should always look good. GET ON YOUR TOES FOLKS, THIS IS NO GAME! Man, it is a lot of work though, let me tell you.

In all seriousness, running into someone you used to date is never a picnic. Unless of course if it happens AT a picnic, in which case that would be called irony. I think the best outcomes you can hope for are:

Outcome #1: They look like hell + you look fabulous = you win.

OR

Outcome #2: Which is what happened when I ran into The Entertainer = we all win.

I had some warning that I was going to be running into The Entertainer because we were both going out to celebrate a friend’s birthday. I had time to prepare myself with emergency lip gloss, xanax, and an inflate-a-date.

I often feel totally grossed out when I see someone that I used to date because I cannot fathom how I ever found them attractive. This may be an indicator that my Manselectometer needs to be recalibrated. So, when I showed up to the birthday soirée I did an internal panic scream “AHHH!!?!?” and sauntered into the bar, cool calm and collected on the outside. I looked around shifty-eyed and spotted The Entertainer. We did the polite “hug and hi” which I hate, and then I assessed the situation, ie. him. My thoughts: “DAMN! Would you check out the butt on that guy? Been there, squeezed that, OH YEAH.”

You go girl.

I was viewing a jackass, post-breakup, who was still attractive and friendly enough to not make me feel ill. I bought myself a margarita (and a chicken sandwich) as a self gift of congratulations. This had never happened before! I was wearing stunning new shoes and appeared rather leggy that evening, so hopefully his gag reflex wasn’t necessary either. We actually talked for a bit and he was very sweet. The whole night was just hunky dory.

And you thought I couldn’t have regular non-dramatic human interaction, hah!

A weekend at a bar is to dating, what game reserves are to hunting. Here is a summary:

• Friday night I went out very early and did not sleep until very late. This was fun for two reasons:

1. I was having a good hair day
2. I met a boy who looks/dances like Chris Brown.
(naturally we shall dub him Chris Brown)

Chris Brown and I danced few times throughout the night, but it wasn’t until later in the evening when he approached me to dance that I narrowed my eyes and talked to him. My line was “You’re back again, huh?” To this he replied “You’re the only girl here who can even remotely dance!” I decided to take this as a compliment because the man had MOVES. Although, he he did kind of imply that my own moves were lacking. I don’t know how long we danced, but I danced my ass off. I might have looked like an idiot, but girl I do not care because in 4″ heels any dancing is impressive.

I have said the word dance so many times that it has lost all meaning.

After all this dancing I needed sustenance, namely: pizza, so Chris Brown and I, and all my friends left the bar. Upon exiting Chris Brown became amazed that I am “how I am” which I think was a compliment? He took a step back on the sidewalk, looked at me quizzically, and said “Wow, you are nothing like I expected.” I believe this means that I looked like I had the potential to be a snooty crazy bitch, but that night I had locked my crazy bitch in the closet, so I was rather charming instead. The pizza place line was way out of control so we did not partake in pizza time. I also thought it best to stay as far away from vomiting college freshmen as possible, so we decided to walk home.

“Home” as it was on Friday, was my friends home, not mine. It was about a mile away, and I have no idea how I wore the shoes I did, danced, walked a mile, AND still had feet. Upon arriving, the living room was turned into what I like to think of as “Makeout Central” It was a fun time, especially when the fire alarm went off. The situation was really quite cute and reminiscent of high school, only I no longer drive a station wagon.

I must have grown on Chris Brown considerably because before he left, he came back 3 times to kiss me goodbye. He said he would call me at noon the next day. I said “HAH!” and went to sleep. He actually did call, but I don’t really think I’m interested. Isn’t that something? One actually calls and I’m not even interested!

• I was also contacted by Basketball this weekend. He told me that he could not stop thinking about my butt, and I didn’t respond because someone ripped the chapter on awkward text messages out of my Dating Guidebook. He wanted to come over last night too, but I am a working woman, so I had no time for such things. The team had also just arrived home from losing a big game in a bad way and I’ve had quite enough of large angry men since The Entertainer.

The stupid cold that The Entertainer gave me left me housebound and disgusting for FIVE days, including an entire weekend. You can yell at me and make me pay for dinner, you can even hate me for no apparent reason and make an ass of yourself, but for the love of god, don’t take away my (manhunting) weekends. Cripes.

I texted The Beefcake the Saturday I was sick just to keep him hooked, you know? He was visiting his grandmother in New Jersey. Awwwww! That’s just the kind of crap that will get you. I’d call up my girlfriends and we’d be like “OMG LOL, he visited his GRANDMOTHER! *squeal* ” and we would giggle and swoon. Then six months later I’m complaining about how hes a godamn pansy cause he’s obsessed with his grandmother and spends all his time driving back and fourth from Jersey.

I was finally back in operating order by Wednesday night so I went out with a few friends and invited The Beefcake. He said he had to drive back to school really early the next day for a football meeting so he couldn’t come. Then before I decided what to say in response he told me I should come party with him sometime at school. I’ve been mulling this over in my head because 1. he isn’t coming home again until summer, and 2. he’s hot, so I think I need your help.

Visiting the Beefcake would be:

more at twiigs.com…

Alright, it’s day three of the phone call standoff. Since The Entertainer and I were friends prior to dating I’m wondering how long it will take this crazy angry thing to blow over. A mutual friend assured me we would be buddies by the weekend, but I don’t think he knows how I destroy men. In the absence of The Entertainer’s apology I am left with the beautiful gift of his disgusting cold. I think this must have been strategically planned. It would be next to impossible to seduce Beefcake in my current man-voice/wheezy/snot-filled state. TE doesn’t know Beefcake exists.

I’m not sure what the next step is with The Beefcake. He texted me the evening after I met him and asked what I was up to…according to some ridiculous list of unwritten dating rules that means he is too interested and and I should move on. However, I’m a firm believer that those rules SUCK. Also, the word firm immediately reminds me of his butt, and that is a tail worth chasing. The texting concluded with him suggesting that we hang out when I don’t have to work early. The ball is in my court. Game on!

The Entertainer amuses me no more. I wasn’t sure if you actually had to break up with someone that you were never officially with, but he made it pretty easy to figure out.

He suggested we get together Sunday night since we were both going out of town for the weekend. I thought “aw cute!” and looked forward to it while I was away. I called him Sunday evening on my way home and he had forgotten. Nice. He was also sick so I thought, eh maybe it’s for the best.

Monday we both went parties in the same town for New Years, so we planned to meet up at a bar after midnight. He didn’t answer his phone or call me. You already know about how that turned out though :) So the phone call at 5am ensured me a dinner date the next night to make up for it…except he forgot about that too. He apologized and said let’s do dinner Wednesday night.

On Wednesday we planned to meet at 10:00. At 10:05 while in my car at the restaurant I called him and he was still 25 minutes away. I went inside and waited. Dinner was a wee bit awkward since I was peeved, and he was a sick gross mess. Then he asked me if I would like to split the bill. Oh, oh I’d love to! What kind of jackass makes you pay for your half of your own apology dinner!? Thank god in the end I didn’t have to pay for half of it - he couldn’t find his credit card so I got to pay for the WHOLE THING. Great. It was like I was in a movie, except it wasn’t one of those glamorous roles I had always imagined for myself. Those girls never have to pay for their own apology dinners.

I let him come over to my place afterward because I thought it would be best to end this disaster as neatly as possible - not in public. I began by telling him that all the times he had forgotten things and what not had really hurt my feelings, it made me feel terrible and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

You’ll really like this next part, it’s super fun.

He went BESERK. He yelled,”I guess you’re just better than I am!” and I was like “don’t yell,” “I’M NOT YELLING” and then the finale, verbatim: “I’M A PIECE OF SHIT, SORRY I WASTED YOUR TIME,YOU CAN DO MUCH BETTER THAN ME.” followed by him storming out.

I laid in bed bewildered for about 5 minutes. I called a friend for moral support, and later I called him. He didn’t answer my call so I just left a voice mail saying I didn’t think he was a piece of shit, except now we all know he totally is.