Dating: DON’T DO IT

The Alanis Morissette song Head Over Feet has been the anthem for every crush I’ve had since 1996. It all started in 7th grade with this adorable boy named Ken with looong pretty eyelashes who I inadvertently caused to be called Mascara Boy for months.  Then, in what could only be described as a miracle by my 12 year old heart, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I quickly learned every word to the song, and although I’m sure at the time I didn’t even know what “friends with benefits” meant and I’d hardly spoken to him much less been “treated like a princess” I was sure that Alanis and I felt EXACTLY the same way. She was totally singing to me. We were bosom buddies. The song was perfect.

But…Ken and I “dated” for 3 months and never spoke.  So I just mumbled through that verse about being a “good listener” and being my “best friend”  - it didn’t really apply.  I kind of fudged that verse about “holding the door for me,” since we never came within 10 feet of each other either.  The “your love is thick and it swallowed me whole” was confusing and made me think of love as a bog monster or something else sticky that might kill you.  In the end it was really only the chorus that I could belt out with absolute certainty that I had found someone wonderful.

The point is that the song never really worked with any of my relationships.  I’ve spent years fudging through verses and relationships while pretending that the song fit perfectly with the wonderful fairytale relationships and crushes in my head.  But it didn’t.  One day (while I was dating The Square Peg) as I listened to Alanis sing the same song for the thousandth time “I’ve never felt this healthy before. I’ve never wanted something rational. I am aware now.” it clicked. I guess you could say I became aware. I wasn’t in a healthy or rational relationship.  I was with a nitwit who was never going to treat me like a princess, be patient, unconditional, OR brave.  But it was then that I began hoping that one day I might find someone who would.

Even after my epiphany I continued to try and hammer messy shaped men into the neatly shaped space I had for them in my life.  Let me tell you - it doesn’t work.

Last night I was in my bedroom cleaning when Head Over Feet came on, and I started singing along.  I think I was already in the second verse before it dawned on me that I hadn’t needed to fudge a single word.  I ran to my computer and googled the lyrics.  Every part fits.  From bravery and patience to treating me like a princess LT fits. I may even need to add a new verse about surprising me with flowers and hiding presents in my car.

Now what am I going to do with my hammer?

Hey, I’m not dead!  How about that!?

So I moved.  It didn’t kill me.  I have a sweet new pad.  Probably the best place I’ve lived so far.  I have been told that a man in uniform lives next to us…and SPEAKING of men in uniform - I’m picking LT up from the airport this evening after work, yesssss. He came back from Iraq last week.  He’s been really weird since he got home which has me kind of worried.  Work and such has been sucking for him since he got home so hopefully that’s all it is.  Or maybe god said “Hey you’ve been happy for what, like…TWO MONTHS NOW!? Crap, how did I let THAT happen!?” and decided to make LT turn out crazy like the rest of them.  Oh goody.

So I’ve had some other fun stuff going on that I’ll have to catch you up on.  The damn Square Peg started text messaging me.  You’d think he’d get it wouldn’t you?  I’m dating someone awesome and you SUCK and I stopped answering your facebook messages… get a clue, seriously?  LT totally wants to kick his ass which amuses me.

Also, Officer Ew sent me a message on facebook again.  When he asked me out I said I was busy and that life would mostly be back to normal by mid August, so August 14th hits and the bastard is raring to go with his message “How’d the move go?” You could say he’s only politely curious, or icky.  Seriously this guy is icky.  He is also one of the main reasons LTs bff got kicked out of our high school back in the day = LT wants to kick his ass too.

OH, AND ok Ozzy’s birthday is Sunday and he’s having a cook out.  He told me about it on Wednesday, and I said “Can I bring the boy?” to which he did not respond.  I assumed the answer was yes until he was like um can you not bring him cause I don’t want it to be a lot of people.  I said “I can’t come.”  “Why?”  Oh I don’t know, MAYBE CAUSE I DON’T WANT TO STORE MY MAN IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR WHILE I GO TO YOUR PARTY???  Sheeit.  Then Ozzy decided LT could come…after we’d already made plans with other people of course.  Great, good work Ozzy.  Now I’m in a real pickle and LT doesn’t want to go to your smelly party anyway.

HAH

You know, I just spent 45 minutes writing an entry about how I ran into The Square Peg’s mother yesterday at Target, but I’m scrapping it. It was an outstanding victory because he’s dropping out of school again and moving out of his parent’s basement to be “be irresponsible and crazy” (his words not mine) meanwhile I am fabulous. It felt pretty good, but there’s only so much fun you can get out of talking to an ex’s mom about their bad decisions, no matter how much they may deserve it.

The truth is I just feel like hell. When I got this blog off the ground I decided that I was going to write about what I wanted to write about, not what I thought people wanted to hear. I’ve been drifting. With LT and his dad (that situation ended amicably btw) reading my “diary” there’s no way I can talk about how I really feel. I feel like I’ve been lying to myself or something, it sucks.

The other problem is that how I really feel is kind of crazy and convoluted so words on a screen might not do it justice. I do like LT, but I’m not sure how much. Right now he’s got me so totally overwhelmed that I don’t know if want to talk to him when I do get the chance because he keep stressing me out. I mean that’s pretty bad - he’s in Iraq too so I can’t go pulling dick moves like that. I just wish we were like normal people who met and started dating.

Instead of talking about all that good getting to know you stuff, he’s talking about going to college nearby when he gets out of the army in 2010, which he talks about constantly. Hi, it’s 2008.

He told all his friends that he loves me and is going to marry me - which he then told me.

He said “You are my life.” and when I freaked out he was like “No, I just mean you are my personal life, not all of it.” but I kept freaking out because I don’t WANNA BE THAT AHHHH STOP STOP

JUST STOPIT.

I have been smothered nearly to death. But I will not go quietly.

Ok, so Mr. Perfect has a few flaws, but we knew that would happen. I don’t know if this is one I can get past or not. I feel like I am carrying the weight of his future and happiness and it is a very very heavy load. I cannot do it, I’m not strong enough for it, I don’t WANT to carry it. I. am. crushed. Let’s just live now.

LT is a really really good guy and I wish I liked him as much as he likes me. I think we could be really happy together. Wanting it just isn’t enough to make it happen, but I am still hopeful

I just want to like him, and be happy, and enjoy life now.

He’s just got to let me.

What the hell?

In the last week, 2 of my favorite “victims” resurfaced. I use the term victim here mostly in jest because it’s hard to identify who is on what side of the break up game. I tend to think the person crying is the victim - generally not me - but who really had to put up with all the shit and then step up to end things? Me.

So, who’s it going to be? The Square Peg and The Good Samaritan – what a duo. Yes that’s right ladies and gentlemen, it appears The Square Peg is making a move to turn the 7 year relationship disaster into 8! If you remember he was real bad news and I made my peace with it all recently. I imagine he is planning his next attack as he usually does, in which he waits until I no longer hate him, says let’s be friends, and then…ugh…into the swirling vortex of idiocy I go.

Fortunately this time I have a secret weapon…STANDARDS!

So I received a simple message on facebook from TSP that said we hadn’t talked in a long time (no kidding), how have you been (really fucking fabulous), and tell your sister and her man I said congrats (tell them yourself you jackass you’ve known them as long as you’ve known me).

My actual response was swift and pristine:

Heyyy,

I’ve been super actually. I graduated, got myself a real job, I’m dating an awesome guy and I’m moving to [a totally badass area of town] in a few weeks.

[Sister and Brother-in-law]’s wedding was amazing! I’ll tell them you said hi when they get back from their honeymoon.

Ramona

Oh yeah it SOUNDS innocent enough, but it really says “You know you were never good enough anyway. Oh, and how’s your parents basement? Still drafty?”

LT would do some crazy instant death kung fu army shit to him if he stirred up real trouble anyway, but I have gotten no response. This might sound mean to you, but he neglects to brush his teeth frequently. Dude is a weirdo, ok?

Fun fun fun. In addition, back in the day one of The Good Samaritan’s shining moments came when he said that he would have time for me when he went to grad school (oh ok, thanks). He IMed me the other day to tell me that he’s moving to Ithaca and going to Cornell soon. That’s nice - don’t forget to pack your crazy pills AND YOUR RAINBOW PURSE WITH FRINGE. What a looney toon.

They both fall into the category that can only be called “So Over It”

It has been brought to my attention that Katy Perry is a fantastic fabulously bitchy woman who was also suckered into dating an emohomo similar to The Square Peg. She has written a hit song called Ur So Gay, whereas all I have created is this blog and one really salty letter. My only hope is that The Square Peg, wherever he is (burning in hell, if you remember correctly) has heard this song and knows beyond all doubt that I LOVE IT and he sucks.