It’s not my birthday or anything, although that is coming up in a bit.  It’s not because I found a whisker the other day either.  YES, I had a whisker.  It was horrifying.  But that’s not why either.  I feel old as shit because yesterday I realized I would have a 30 year old sister in less than 3 years.

That’s how this all started anyway.  Then I started talking to one of my bffs from high school.  She is married now.  I KNOW A NUMBER OF INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE MARRIED - believe it or not.  In addition her husband (*gasp*) is in the military, and we were discussing the militaryness of things, such as LT deploying next week (sucks) and her man deploying for 6 months at a time (she wins cause LTs deployments are are usually 30 days).

First of all, I painted my nails white with purple, pink, and orange dasies to ward off the creeping feeling of oldness when I realized my sister would soonish be 30 (I’ve found it’s actually helping).

Secondly, why are we talking about our men an not ourselves?  Aren’t we supposed to be vapid teenagers who write notes and dish wickedly about the people we know and don’t like?  At least that’s what we used to do.  What are you supposed to do when adulthood sounds horrifying, and relapsing into the snotty punk of your youth makes you want to kick your own ass at 16?

Blech.  And this army thing, what is with that?  I mean god love the army and everything, but my college self would totally be assessing my current self and scolding me:

“RAMONA - WE DO NOT DATE THE ARMY!  You KNOW this!  We can drool on the army, admire it’s collective firm butt from afar, we can even cop a feel if we are feeling so blithe, but we DO NOT DATE THE ARMY.  They shoot things, they grunt, they smell like they have been living with a large group of men because they HAVE BEEN living with a large group of men.  God, get it together.” as she shakes her stupid head at me like she knows something I don’t.

But I know something she doesn’t.  Once you have squeezed an ass that spent a month in a desert on a stair master, you do not deny it.  Especially if it’s clad in a uniform because that is HOT.

Now, I feel much younger.

Look - here’s the deal:

- I have a boyfriend and he’s CRAZY and EXHAUSTING.  However, because I love him, I’m not fond of writing evil things about him online.  There aren’t really that many evil things to write…

- I now have many more pressing things to bitch about than dating.  I do however, dear reader, miss manhunting.  It is a pastime that I will remember fondly, mostly, and if not fondly it will make me laugh maniacally as the two run together a lot of the time in my head.

- I fully intend to continue writing, mostly about hilarious/staggeringly stupid customers I encounter at work, LT and his bumbles, and jerks that cut me off on the highway - just not anonymously, and not here.  Because I love you all dearly, even the ones of you I don’t actually know, I’m thinking I’ll link you to the new blog once it’s up and running.

- After a year long run, and a really good time, it is with teary eyes and drunken fingers that I am announcing the official end of Dating: don’t do it!

IT’S OVER BETWEEN US.

DON’T WORRY - IT’S NOT YOU - IT’S ME!

Wow guys, I think you just got dumped…

Ouch that smarts, doesn’t it?  I wonder if anyone has been dumped via blog post before.

Oh and because it’s been a while and you’ve missed out on some crazy shit, I’ll leave you with a some pictures of the ENORMOUS TRICERATOPS TATTOO that LT got without consulting me.  I HATE IT, and spent about 36 hours screaming at him as a result.  He chose to do this while I was in California on a business trip too so that was fun for me.  I’m pretty much over it now cause there’s no sense in making him feel like a dog turd forever, but I still think it’s pretty awful.

Pictures after the jump.

Thank god that’s over, eh?  The Green Giant doesn’t lend himself well to being the most memorable sort of character.  To be honest with you, I did look for his car in the parking lot for a month or two after I called it quits, but I had completely forgotten about him until I got wind of some curious news.

It’s not NEWS news, like if say…if I knew it for a fact or something, but it’s interesting.

Wayyy back before time was invented and I was still pining after the Green Giant, he complained about how the business program that our companies are in sucks.   He told me they were quitting the program and moving their office a few miles away in November due to it’s suckage.  This was back in April so I was like ehhhh I’ve got MONTHS between now and then to seal the deal…then LT came barging in and shit.  You know how that turned out.

Anyway.

So I used to run into GG all the time.  All the time, all the time.  Like running up and down the stairs for snacks, running out to get lunch, on the way in to work, on the way out of work, etc.  Then sometime shortly after LT’s proposal fiasco mess of a thing that happened, the Green Giant vanished.  His car was still in the parking lot, but I NEVER saw him.  Not even one time from then until now. Super sketchy?

There was this one morning I kinda saw him on the way to work.  We both happened to get off the highway at the same time, so we were waiting at the light to turn into work, and I was right behind him.  I followed him all the way to the parking lot.  He parked waaay back in the corner, jumped out of his car, and was halfway to the building before I even got out of my car… WEIRDOOO

I’ve seen some of his employees around the building since I stopped running into him and have been mildly friendly.  A week or so I noticed one of his employees had a “packing the office” away message up.  I guess they are gone now.  A “Hey guys, we’re leaving.” message would have been nice, but either way we finally have enough space in our parking lot again.

For the past week he has been holding up his wounded (super swollen) hand for me to see on the webcam.  This is all well and good, and elicited the usual “aw baby” response for a few days until I was like seriously, take some ADVIL, and see a DOCTOR.  Splint it, wrap it, whatever you know? Just DO something about it!

Unfortunately he’s been in this awful training school which means he has to use his hand a lot while crawling around through the woods and stuff, BUT if it is broken and he can’t finish the school he will have to do it all over again.

Tomorrow is his last day of the school, and his hand is now purple.  Last night he spent like 45 minutes showing me his purple hand and reading about broken hands on the internet.  It went something like this:

Is it broken?  I think it is broken.  But… I can bend it! owwwww See! I bent it.  I told my boss it was broken.  I wonder if it’s broken?  I really want to find a picture online somewhere that looks the same as my hand, then I’ll know.  This one website says my meta…meta…this thing here might be broken… *points to hand*

Really?

I just…

GET AN X-RAY!

I haven’t been to bars frequently enough in recent months and it’s not cool.  I don’t know what it is about having your senses blasted out by loud music and getting that frosty window pane feeling when you hit the bottom of your first margarita, but I miss it.  The fact that it only takes one margarita to get the frosty window pane feeling is both sad and exciting because I’m no longer a champion, but I am a cheap date.  [The frosty window pane feeling is that feeling you get after a drink or so when you can still see life clearly, but the edges are starting to blur.

Speaking of margaritas and other things I adore, let me tell you why LT is TOTALLY winning in the polls right now as best boyfriend ever.

When I visited LT in Tennessee we went to his favorite restaurant for lunch.  We got some drinks for happy hour, and then he took me to Target while I was drunk.  It was a perfect date <3  Anyway, my margaritas came served in glorious glasses with stems shaped like cacti.  One rode home with us in my purse.

Then when LT came to visit the following week he arrived with a large cardboard box that contained Patron Tequila, Grand Marnier, Cointreau, and margarita mix… I was like seriously are you an angel or something?  What are you doing with all of this shit in your trunk?  Are we having a party, what’s going on here!?  BUT THEN it totally got BETTER.  Every day when I got home from work, he made me a shaker of margarita and brought it to me in my cactus glass.  THEN WHEN IT GOT LOW HE REFILLED IT.  Yes, he did.  In addition, one day we were heading out to dinner and I wasn’t done my drink yet, so he put it in a thermos so I could drink the rest of it while I did my makeup in the car.

The man, is amazing.  Amen.

1. The jeans in my closet are folded all wrong

2. My jewelry tray is full of change

3. My q-tip jar is empty

4. There is an empty box for something called “Clone-a-Willy” in my trashcan…

5. I have piles of cool new stuff to play with, for example:

- badass ipod speakers
- a wet/dry epilator (aka torture device)
- lincoln logs
- a toasty electric blanket
- fun new makeup
- an air mattress

6. There are beautiful (slightly wilted) flowers on my desk

7. And the most obvious reason - I have resurfaced

Seriously, being a grown up is starting to suck WAY more than I thought it was going to.  It is some shit.

I have been working SO HARD.

Things I have not been doing as a result:

- tanning (not the cancer kind, the spray kind)
- blowdrying my hair
- wearing makeup
- getting pedicures
- writing in my blog
- being funny
- doing my laundry
- shopping

Things I have been doing instead:

-LOOKING LIKE ASS

Because I simply don’t have the time to recap everything, I’m going to throw a fun fact or two out there.  And because you’re probably dying to know things like if I’m engaged yet, if I’m dying of cancer, if I’ve gained 30 pounds. etc etc, just ask.  I need some direction here.  The only direction I’m currently pointed in is toward the nail salon.  Also, I need to find my hairbrush.

My coworker just snuck up behind me, scared the bajeezus out of me, handed me a list of names and phone numbers to call and said “I haven’t answered my voice mail in about a week so…some of these people are quite cross…”  Oh god.

Fun fact:

- LT TOLD ME HE LOVES MEEEE<3

:)

Up to a certain point of stress, life is normal.  Just beyond that normal threshold of stress I like to say that “the bitch kicks in” and I do that funny sarcastic thing that helps me get through all the crap.  I have what I like to think is a pretty impressive tolerance for stress and methold of dealing with with it, but there are days when I sit at my desk and write down every problem that I have, and when the dust settles I’ve filled up more than a notebook page.

This generally a good cue to have a good cry.  You know, one of those serious ones where you aren’t even crying about anything because you’re crying about EVERYTHING.  It doesn’t have to be set off by something that makes sense like writing down your problems and facing them head on.  Your glasses might just fall off your face and into your toilet right after peeing.  Suddenly you’re like OHMIGOD there’s PEE on my GLASSES, oh oh AND the evil non-english-speaking local pharmacist that yells and hangs up on me made me sick for a week for messing up my prescriptions, I’m afraid my boyfriend is dead, do I have cancer?, can I take a day off to find out? why in gods name does it sound like a tambourine is stuck in the wheel well of my car, godamnit I gained 4 pounds, etc, etc. and suddenly the world is too much to handle.  All because you got pee on your glasses.

The lesson here is to make sure that your glasses fit properly when you pick them up from the greepy eyeglasses tech that hits on you.  That’s not really a lesson at all.  Just learn to laugh at yourself ok?  Don’t take things so seriously if you can help it, even if they are serious things.

This next few weeks are going to be INTENSE, and LT will be visiting.  Hopefully I don’t come unglued again.  My job and the army are pitted against each other in a battle to the death and I’m losing.

PS: My poor glasses :(

Distance is NOTHING when you compare it to total uncertainty.  It’s not the 700 miles to Tennessee or the thousands between here and Iraq that get me, it’s the “I’ll call you tonight” but then he can’t, or the “I’ll be home for Christmas!” so I rejoice, but then he can’t come, oh wait but then he can (but will he really?).  It’s the $500 worth of camping equipment he ordered for our trip in 9 days piled in my living room, it’s delivery yesterday afternoon, and the text message I received from him hours later that said “My dates got changed baby…I’m so sorry.” No camping trip.

It’s the quiet realization that HE cares about me so much it makes him crazy, but THEY don’t.  Accidents, cancer, death even, would they matter?

Prior to yesterday I had been struggling with this distance and whatnot but I was handling it pretty well.  After the camping trip and visit I had been planning and getting all worked up about for so long got ruined I wasn’t handling it very well anymore.  He can still visit, but for half the time.  And I realized - the magnitude of the difference between the “him” and the “they” that I’m dating IS HUGE.

IT SUCKS.  But as much as it sucks, HE IS AWESOME.  He is awesome in a way that verbal explanation can’t do justice.  I freak out - he’s completely understanding.  I cry - he decides he’s flying me to Tennessee for the weekend we were supposed to go camping.  I tell him I can’t wait to see him - he says he can’t wait to give me a foot massage.  I ask tough questions - he admits when he knows the answer, when he doesn’t, and when he can find out.  We’ve looked at engagement rings online too.  I’m not really sure why to be honest. He totally started it!  Just because it’s fun I guess?  I’m not ready to get married and he isn’t either.  But…I LOOKED AT ENGAGEMENT RINGS AND DIDN’T FREAK OUT.  I’m the sort of girl that freaks out.

Then yesterday during my I hate the army freaking out he said “Ok I think I know the answer to this 100%, but would you want a new car or an engagement ring?”  And you know what I DIDN’T KNOW.  It was then that I found out he’s been plotting to buy me a new car in about two years.  Honestly I’ll probably need one by then, but…he’s not looking at some cheap beater car.  I’ve got an acura integra now, and he’s looking at buying me a 2008 acura tsx.  Honestly he can actually afford one which makes my head hurt because I’m supposed to be a baller since I went to college right?  No!  He’s a baller, AND financially responsible.

DID I MENTION THAT I DIDN’T KNOW IF I WANTED THE RING OR THE CAR??? AHHHHHHHH

He was certainly surprised by that.  Honestly, I think he was secretly pleased.  Fortunately there is one thing I know - I don’t want either right now.

“i’ve always loved this song because of three reasons 1 because in 5th grade i had a crush on this girl named Tanya and it makes think of her… now she’s in Arizona and i never got to show her my true fellings and now in 7th grade i regret each day :<….. 2 IT RULES!!!!!!!! 3 it puts out a point (somehow)”

Don’t lie, at first you were like aw some guy out there remembers a girl he had a crush on the 5th grade, that’s sweet.  Then you kept reading, the wheels turned, and you choked on your coffee in your haste to laugh because you realized he was in fact just now in the beginning of SEVENTH GRADE and…he regrets every day.

Also, what does “it puts out a point” mean?  and why is it only “somehow” putting out a point?  Is that anything like “putting out” as I know it?  Did Tanya not put out?  Hopefully not because she was, according to my calculations, about 9 or 10.  What are true feelings like when you are 9 or 10?

OH NO, YOU NEVER GOT TO SHARE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS!??!

I’m cruel, I know, but I can also identify with our young friend.  I am trying oh so hard to remember the face of the boy I had a crush on in 5th grade.  I remember his name, Daniel Piano, and that he wore a puffy Pittsburg Steelers starter jacket that I used to secretly sort of snuggle with when we had assigned seats next to each other.  He was so painfully cool because he threw caution to the wind and used mechanical pencils - the #1 outlawed school suppy in the 5th grade.  Shortly after he began smoking and became too bad boy for me.

I still have a soft spot for steelers starter jackets.

Good luck with Tanya, kid.